i keep writing you as the sun. because that is what you are to me.
A sunset. a sight so beautiful, that people stop and plan their days around it. A warm ray of light, grand enough to be a spectacle. but even with the suns hot nature, a sunset never burns.
A sunset heals. Heals heavy days on heavy shoulders. A breathtaking view, that does nothing but what it was created to, yet helps so many people without realizing it.

and once you see a sunset, you cant pretend you've never seen it. You cant unsee a beautiful memory, You cant look up everyday not hoping for that same beauty to look down on you.

and so cant i. i cant not be in love with you, i cant simply ignore the past 8 months and move on with my life. i honestly do not know how to, or if that is even humanely possible.
we’ve planted seeds that i do not know how to ungrow, both good and bad. But the good is still screaming at me telling me to fight, the good is still begging me to not let it die. But i am only rain and plants will drown without their sun.

and i am merely rain, and my clouds wont form without my sun.

"I miss you"

is  a selfish thing.
To say that you long for a person,
that your heart years for someone to be there
with you
for you.

What of the person that it is you long for?

"i miss you"

Like a command to be by your side,
a button you push to say that you are in need.

or is it,
"i miss you"

A declaration into your soul.
A small glimpse of vulnerability saying that you are better with them.
your heart beats slower at the sight of their smile,
your worries dissipate at the sound of their voice,
and the raging water calms down to their touch.

"i miss you"

Because i do,
because i yearn for everything that you are,
because simply knowing that you are there makes me a better person.
Because even though it sounds selfish,
i mean it as nothing other than a compliment.

A promise.
Into everything we could ever be together,
into the world i would build for you,
the pain i would go through just to make sure you are okay.
The endless poetry i would write to fill your sunflower soul.

An assurance.
That you are my home.
That i would uproot my life and settle wherever you are.

That i will always rush back to your side,
whenever you say

"i miss you"

How fucking massive the sky has gotten in your absence.

Longing trickles down my spine in waves, pools at my feet and clings to my shoes like muddy afternoons when the rain cries storms at my fingertips.

It’s been a while since i’ve heard the roaring of tropical thunders, like the beating of my chest when you lay your hands on my skin.
Like a firefly in the palm of a bear, small and fragile and docile and burns oh-so bright like an on going chorus with the stars.
And you are there with the stars. Because the moon i see when the dark takes in has to be the same moon that peaks at your window pane, but it all just feels like widowed pain.

In nights, i wish your warmth around me. Like how we build fires in forests where the trees are cold and moss covers everything but the ember glow. I build houses in memories with the shaking of my body.
rocking back and forth wishing, yearning, aching to dip my feet into the calm waters of your arms.

You see, i was in the cold for almost too long. When you showed me warmth, i tried to hold my gratitude inside where it burned as you kept giving pieces of yourself for me to not fall apart.

It’s like you were the only one that gave a damn when the sky broke open, like you were the only one to see it. The only one to stand beside me and mourn all that is alive.

By all, i mean the parts of myself that i’ve dislocated and laid out on the bed to see if you would love them.
If it would give you a reason, an excuse
to love me.

i’m sorry, it’s just that i lose pieces of myself when you’re not around.
I’m sorry, i’m trying so hard to be selfless.
I’m sorry its just that i can’t look at empty skies when the sun won’t look at me.

Soul of eyes,
five ways to the brink of whats always promised.
My minds jumbled too far to recognise,
words barely work inside feelings that simmer down boiling,
rumbling without hesitation.
Without conscience.

Shaking legs like silver spoons held by loose wrists.

Numb shooting nerves deserves to lie down dripping.

Shaven off my insecurities just to caress my anxiety every now and then.
Like rainy nights in movie marathons, feeling every buzz of every strand.
I tell myself it calms me down.

But rough waters drown out the heavy breeze
and storms make awful friends to keep you company.

Tender eyes
lay your skin on my wilted smile
undying laughter of death disguised.

Vanilla heart,
the tar ive dripped on your fresh new eyes,
you saw right through my desperate lies.

Less than 24 hours,
time is ticking on falling leaves
and crunching rain.
Or is that something else falling?
Perhaps its me,
not out of sadness, but
out of the very thing that blooms inside my eyes
as you step into frame.

Tender eyes,
i'm waiting for you to come back.
And youre still across the table,
but i sink at the sight of you fading out into black.

If youre a season, you would be fall with all its leaving.
you should know that you cant be all those colors
and then just dissapear on me like that.
Without giant fingers on tiny ones, winter gets freezing.

Vanilla heart,
it hurts to look at empty branches.
Tree roots tangle,
hold together ribs in a way that aching fibres could not handle.

And your eyes, tender.
Flicker, find mine.
Forrests dont speak,
no matter how many times trees hit the ground.

But your silence,
it comes out like poetry.
Poetry,
that my hands have found.

Too far too deep
anchored down, strong on my tears.
Midnight sun on my heart
when its dark and damp with ugly lines painted on my eyes.

Some evenings you seem like
a whistle of a man.

Something
to change,
constantly changing.

Please don't take this the wrong way,
blue ocean floor your doubt drenched thoughts,
as mine are heavy under current of crashing waves,
one after the other.

Guiding light amongst stars, all too dim to see tonight.
Your northern star fell across the sky,
fire and lighting and sadness screaming.

Midnight sun,
blue ocean floor your roaring howl.

baby bird heart
but not for the light hearted
castles, armours, swords
in all. Melting iron through its own river veins.
silent softness, screaming eyes,
even when closed in star hazed nights.

mama bear heart,
too big for the strong hearted.
damaged and small beating away
magic hands through her own glass veins.
loving kindness, manic depressive skin,
even when submerged in rain flickering lights.

as vague as that statement sounds, its the only thing that comes to mind when i try and evaluate my state of being. i don't know wether i should be heartbroken cause i just lost a lost kindred soul. That i used to call friend, lover, brother, nightly spooner, and all round mood lifter. Or if i should be happy that i got rid of the most dark toxic substance my heart has ever come across, one that had a strong grip on my heart and pulls my emotions on puppet strings.


cause at times of the day something would bring my winded mind to him and i wonder what those lanky lump of bones are up to. Where his long skinny fingers have been, and what his deep set of forrest floor eyes have seen. But i know that i couldn't pick up my phone and ask. And a part of me leaps at that fact, it dances in a twirl of manic pixie waves, glad that i no longer have his life to worry about. Yet still, i worry.


to the faces with moving mouths asking where he is, the strangers on my screen wanting to see his face. The thought of his face only brings me nightmares, scarred up wounds in bandaged hearts, still raw from the last words he whispered in my sleep.
To the pure souls that attests to how good he was to me, how perfect we are for each other, you never saw the monster he becomes when the doors are closed. He takes back every warmth i've ever felt around him. Who ever said the devil works in fire? It was his ice cold touch that froze me in place each time his fingers gripped my resolve. To those who said his deep voice sounds like a lull of an angel, it was the sound of my impending doom. The warning before hard hands touches skin, the calm before the storm.

Truth is, after everything we went through,

Break of dust
ask me why i'm in pain
break me open once again.

"Talk to me
talk to me, please"
Listen, these words in my head only
i can listen. Hard knowt, choking,
these thoughts in my head are on its own collision.

"Baby, calm down.
What's wrong?"
i can't feel my hands,
breath hitched
heartbeat skipped
my own mind, imprisoned.

i don't feel real.
but life gets too real,
i only feel solid right before the bricks
come at me like ammunition.

"Take a deep breath,
i'm right here."
Lungs drowning, that's the whole point.
your presence come at me like my own obsession.
Theres nothing left here for you to save.

But yourself.
Save yourself from my self destruction.
theres no need to love the crater of an implosion.

"Theres no need,
but i do anyway."

Then my dear, welcome to mental prison
nightmares cut me open like my own mortician
heed all the warning signs ive screamed and given
my calls aren't for the light hearted to reason.

This is a place where every word
is laced with the raspy sound of my poisoned delusion.

(This was actually made as an essay for an assignment i was given in Uni, but i thought would be better suited for this blog instead)